My homies, my friends!! Whats up?! I hope you're all doing well. The sun is finally out here in Missouri and let me tell you, it's helped with my mood a lot. This post is not normal or comfortable for me at all. In fact, it's super vulnerable but I feel some things on my heart that I want to talk about...
I am someone who most definitely suffers from mild seasonal depression... Its something that I've dealt with for a long, long time and it ESPECIALLY hit me hard this year... way worse than normal. I think the mixture of the weight of last year and not seeing the sun really took me out. I may someday talk about everything thats been going on but for now, just know is been the hardest year and a half of my life and we're still living in it. I don't want to bore you with all of that but I do want to say that because of everything that's happened, and because of the weather, I 100% know what it feels like to not want to do anything... and to think to yourself "what's the point in even trying to be something in this life?"
The reason I've been able to get out of bed every day is because I have children to take care of and because I'm loyal to my employers. Otherwise, I'm not sure getting up would have been the case most days. It's easy there and I'm safe and I can imagine I'm in another place other than where I am.
I wake up exhausted and just feel like shiz all the time. I know it has a lot to do with what I consume both mentally and physically but It's gotten so much worse lately. I'm normally good after a cup (or 4) of coffee but lately I'm just completely exhausted all day long. I've really felt like I've just been existing... I'm just wandering around, doing things half ass, ignoring my responsibilities at times and just wanting to go sleep. When I'm at work I'm ok because #destractionsfrommyreallife but when I'm not, I'm not.
I don't want it to sound dramatic but honestly, not seeing the sun (it rained here in MO for 2 straight weeks) and dealing with the stressors life has thrown at me lately has been extremely hard on me. I'm normally someone that can pick myself up and find the positives but it's just been a dark tunnel for a long time now and I know a lot of you know what I mean when I say that. I think I've gone maybe 2 months without posting on here at all in the last 5 years. I LOVE this blog and sharing my home and life with you but I couldn't even find the strength to do that. I never let my house go. In fact, I find joy in cleaning my house.. but I let it go. I let myself go... I started questioning everything I've been doing in life and feeling alone but at the same time closed off to everyone. I just haven't cared.
Today is the first day in over a month that I've actually felt like maybe life isn't so bad... started having hope for brighter days and feeling not great but OK... I took these pictures while the sun was out the other day and then just never did anything with them. I started going through them today and looking at all the colors just sparked something in me and I decided to post. I never thought I'd be posting all of this though. It kinda came out of no where but that tells me, it needs to be said.
I have a blessed life. I look at people I know who have gone through things FAR worse than I have. And life is still going and more things are going to happen, I know that. But pain is pain. We all feel and go through things differently. I know a lot of my friends who have suffered with real and severe depression. It's a horrible thing. I pray for them every day and I can't say I know exactly what they've felt but I can say I got a glimpse and it's brutal.
I know the sun makes me happy because the last time I truly felt at peace was on my birthday at the beach and I'm so thankful that it was so recent and I could escape for a bit (I've decided I need a beach house by the way). The sun on my skin is something that is un matched by any feeling in the world. I live for it. It's what makes me feel alive and not like I'm just existing here on earth. Because of that, I am so thankful to have this little back deck space where I can just sit, listen to the birds and just be.
I'm not one to tell my problems to others. I don't want to burden people with my life and definitely feel like I'm able to handle things on my own. I think that stems from being an only child and not wanting to disappoint or burden my parents. I have PHENOMENAL parents, don't get me wrong. I could go to them if I needed and they would be there for me in a heartbeat. They always help when I need it but I just have always felt the need to figure it out on my own. I feel like writing is something that helps me a lot. Just getting it out on paper or a blog post. Just writing all of this today has helped me feel so much better and more free of the chains I've felt like were holding me down. Also, I don't want this post to come off like I'm asking for help or anything. I'm not. I have a therapist for all of that but my goal is to show at least one person that they're not alone. Not knowing what you're doing in life, not knowing your purpose, worried about life going by too fast, thinking "whats the point in trying?" is normal. It's ok. I see you and I hear you cause I'm there and things WILL get better. I promise.
Clearly I'm not a doctor but the ONLY advice I can give is if you're in a dark place is to seek therapy. I've done it multiple times and it has helped me so much to just talk to someone who deals with other peoples problems every day and who wont judge you for yours. It's ok to do that! In fact, it should be just as normal as going to the doctor for a physical... but I don't run the world yet, so yeah. Also, if you're feeling sad or like the world is against you... breathe and do something that makes you happy. Put on your favorite song or show, step outside and look at the sky, feel the grass, smell the flowers, breathe in deep and know you are not alone in this world. You have so much to offer. There is only one you and you are INCREDIBLE.
I'm not super vulnerable on my blog but lately I've felt like I need to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit. I need to do things that are scary in order to move forward in life. If I stay in my comfort zone, I'll be stuck forever. I'm very much a person that likes to stick to my ways but sometimes my Sagittarius moon will speak up and say "GIRL GET IT TOGETHER! DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!" and I listen (sometimes).
With that being said, I'm going to share more personal things on my blog going forward. I want to write and challenge myself and tell my stories and of course, still share home decor... but something needs to change. I need to get out of this funk and I'm excited to jump into this next phase. Sometimes when I'm sad, I just force myself to do something big hard and scary and it re lights my flame. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable but at the same time have boundaries. It's a weird world we live in.
I forget sometimes that this blog is MINE. I do so much for the sake of other people and think "well, they wouldn't want to read about that..." etc. But I just don't care anymore haha. You never know who needs to see and hear what you have to share.
Just know, you never know what someone is going through so just understand that and be kind. I walk around with a smile everyday and if you saw me on the street you wouldn't think I had anything wrong. None of my friends or family know I've been going through it. That's one reason why this is so hard to post because I don't want them feeling sorry for me or asking questions. Honestly I am OK. I will be OK. I just gotta get this out there. And to anyone in my life who has felt the after shock of my lack of motivation, I'm sorry. I haven't been able to really be there for anyone the way I'm supposed to be and I'd like to say that will change soon but honestly, I'm still going through it. I have to look out for me because at the end of the day, Sav's all I got just like you're all you've got. So take care of yourself.
I love you all and I hope you all can see my heart and know I'm not posting this for sympathy or to seem like I know everything and can give advice on this topic. I can't. But I hope you continue to come over here and see what I'm up to and read the words I write. I have a hard time speaking with my mouth (lol) but I find that I can really get my feelings out when I write and so, why not do that?
Thanks for being here <3
