Hey there! Happy Friday. I wanted to get this post up because honestly it just helps me to write stuff out. So here we go...
For those who don't know, my mom died in April of this year. It's been difficult but I'm managing. Good and bad days... you know the drill. I hadn't really thought much about Mother's Day coming up. I guess I was subconsciously ignoring it? I'm not sure but I wasn't afraid of it. I do know that. The days leading up to Mother's Day were seemingly fine. I served mimosas at my store in honor of it and got through that Saturday just fine. Watching all the moms and daughters out shopping. Something me and my mom used to do when I was younger in this same little town. I kept a smile on and it was honestly nice to see all the happy faces. I left work, not feeling much of anything. Hearing "happy Mother's Day" all day long hadn't caught up to me yet. I just went about my day. I like to say I'm pretty good at ignoring stuff but that will only last so long and eventually all of the yucky feels will come out and that's exactly what happened.
I woke up on Mother's day with a huge cloud over me. Everything felt dark and gross and I did not want to get out of bed. I hadn't even told myself "it's Mother's Day" yet. My body just seemed to know already. I didn't go to sleep with dread or think to myself "tomorrow is gonna be shitty" I just went to sleep like I do any other day. My eyes opened and I didn't want to get up but Jason had plans for us to go have breakfast, buy some flowers and do some gardening. I got up, put make up on, cried it all off... re put make up on and went out the door. I got in the car and cried the whole way to breakfast. Not talking at all... not trying to cry... tears just kept coming outta my face. Luckily I have the most wonderful mans in the world and he just comforted me. I was not prepared for all the emotions I would feel that day.
It was just WEIRD! On one hand I was so incredibly sad thinking about how much I just wanted to give my mom some flowers and a hug and on the other, I was being spoiled and treated to breakfast and flowers and adorable cards from my own boys. I was so thankful and happy and yet so freaking sad. I don't know that I've ever felt two complete opposite emotions at the same time like that before but here I was. I can say I don't know what I would have done without my people showing me love. Being a mom is such a gift and I wanted to enjoy the day and I ultimately did but the silent moments and the unwanted thought of "you don't have a mom" creeping in was really un fun.
We ended up with lots of flowers, I got some precious cards, gifts from friends and we did lots of gardening. I'm still not ok but I'm finding ways to try to be. I'm putting myself into my work a lot more and nurturing the relationships I do have. I'm trying. Every day is different. Right now I'm in the angry phase of grief and holy shit it's real yall. Every thing pisses me off right now haha but my therapist says that's normal so I'mma just let it ride!!
I wanted to get my feet wet here in talking about this topic because I have a post I want to put out but it's extremely difficult to write about. It's just scary to share but I know getting it out will help me heal. I'ts about my mom and what she went through and it's part of the reason why I'm no longer drinking alcohol so the posts go hand in hand. When I'm ready, I'll share both of those but until then... I'll put in little blips here and there about grief and losing a parent while also decorating and sharing fashion content.
Thank you all for reading and I'll see ya soon!
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xx Savanna